The one where Phoebe hates PBS.

I am very, very particular about gifts, both giving and receiving. I choose the gifts I give very carefully, always trying to think of the one thing that they would love but never think to ask for. Sometimes I am very successful. Others, not so much. And in those not-so-much instances, I am severely disappointed. As Aaron’s birthday approaches, I’m trying to put all of this in perspective. I have always struggled with gifts for him, since the first birthdays we spent together. It’s not that he’s hard to shop for – I can name ten things off the top of my head he would enjoy. But I put pressure on myself to give him the perfect gift. Not just any gift, but THE gift. So, every October, I stress myself out trying to come up with the one thing that will knock his socks off. (Note: none of this pressure comes from him. I could give him a book of McDonald’s coupons and he’d be happy. Well, maybe Popeye’s Chicken.) I’m realizing that my desire to give the perfect gift has less to do with bringing the recipient joy, and more with the desire to be the one that provided that joy. As much as I want them to be happy, I want to be the reason they are happy, too. I give selfishly. I find that I’m the same way when it comes to “Christian” giving. I tithe because we are supposed to, because I want to contribute to the work of God’s people on earth through the church. But I also tithe because it makes me feel good, because it brings me joy and comfort. I volunteer with youth because I have a heart for junior high girls, because I became a believer at that age and know how much of a difference the right influences can make when you’re 13. But I also volunteer with youth because it makes me feel like I’m doing something, and I love the feeling I get when I walk into a room and people are excited to see me. We are told when we begin youth ministry not to do it to feel cool, but I think we all want that, even just a little bit. It’s like the episode of Friends where Phoebe tries to find a truly selfless deed. Everything she thinks of has some sort of selfish side to it, even if it’s just the happy feeling you get for helping someone out. Phoebe: I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me. Joey: How is that a good deed? Phoebe: Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am not. Joey: Now you know the bee probably died when he stung you? Phoebe: Dammit!

If giving were meant to be truly selfless, with no positive repercussions for the giver, I think giving would be much harder to do. Paul says that God loves a cheerful giver, and being cheerful in your giving is certainly a benefit. I am clearly not there, as I am giving in order to be cheerful, rather than giving as an outpouring of my cheerfulness. I am working on that. In the meantime, I think I’ve finally hit the Perfect-Aaron-Gift jackpot. If he doesn’t love it, well, I’m sure I’ll be disappointed.